To echo pretty much everyone, these are strange times. On the one hand, social distancing measures necessitated by the COVID-19 pandemic make relatively little difference to my lifestyle, because having chronic mental health problems means I work from home most of the time and avoid socialising because my anxiety (and finances) make it difficult. On the other hand, I’m not used to everyone else being anxious and one of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder is a tendency to absorb other people’s moods, especially negative moods. I’m veering between feeling ‘normal’ because my mental health problems have become more normalised and sinking into pits of depression/anxiety/stress. Part of me wants to wail ‘I had so little in my life and now it’s been taken away’ but I read something on social media which resonated with me: now most people are experiencing a lot of anxiety, it’s time for those of us who have anxiety disorders to teach them how to manage it.
A mini disclaimer here: these are things which help me and may be inappropriate and/or inaccessible for some people. I’m not a mental health professional and this blog is based on my personal experiences, combined with things I have read or heard about helping others. It’s also worth bearing in mind that because there has never been a situation like this in living memory, there is a lot of uncertainty about what might help individuals manage their mental health and wellbeing. As this blog testifies, mental health management involves a lot of trial and error to discover what works for you. If you are in crisis and need help, please contact Samaritans or another appropriate source of help.
Here are some ways to try and find some perspective when you are anxious during a pandemic…
I have a theory that difficult circumstances amplify people’s true natures. It’s not very scientific, but I keep seeing evidence of kind and generous people making efforts to be more kind and generous, whilst selfish bastards behave in increasingly selfish ways. Perhaps the people who display selfish behaviour have their reasons and I know I should try not to judge, but as someone who has spent time in hospital as a day patient and a visitor to an inpatient over the past 18 months, I have seen how under-resourced and pressured the NHS is at the best of times and I don’t understand why anyone would refuse to follow guidelines designed to minimise the COVID-19 pandemic’s impact on the NHS. (Side note: If this is you, please change your behaviour and follow the guidelines because you are harming other people). However, I have also been heartened by people offering to help and support others. NHS and retail staff risking their health to do their jobs, often facing abuse from the people they are helping. People stepping up to help their communities, forming emergency groups to help those in need. Friends reassuring each other through social media. Professionals providing online resources and live-streaming everything from exercise sessions to church services.
Finding positives is hard enough in itself, so I won’t tell you to focus on the positives (although, obviously, do focus on them if you can!), but please look for some positive things in each day. I’m making an effort to practice gratitude, because I’m lucky to have a home to self-isolate in and to have the NHS. Practicing gratitude in hard times can be difficult, especially when it’s difficult to accept our current circumstances, but it can help. My personal positives include: having a sunny bedroom (thanks to my brother moving out last year!), my dog (and my mum’s dog and cat), the masses of books I have available to read, my treadmill (which I bought 9 years ago because I was incredibly unfit and too scared to leave the house alone), chatting to friends via social media, gorgeous scented candles given to me by good friends, studying Psychology with the Open University and having my brother and his girlfriend drop off a few groceries yesterday, since my parents and I are self-isolating after getting coughs last Tuesday (we’re all fine and recovering).
I attended a workshop a few weeks ago which highlighted movement as an antidote to anxiety and depression. As someone who manages my mental health through exercise, among other strategies, this is a familiar concept but something clicked when the workshop leader talked about figurative forms of movement alongside physical activities. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that many of the most effective ways of managing my mental health involve movement. Since exercise is an obvious option, I will focus on the more metaphorical types of movement.
Goal-setting is the most obvious example –– I tend to cope better when I am working towards a goal and making tangible progress. It helps me feel as though I’m moving in the right direction, even if I get frustrated about how slow my progress seems. Having goals is also important to me because during my worst episodes of depression, I don’t have any goals. I lose all desire and motivation. Compared to those times, it’s better to have some goals; often they are goals which seem ridiculously small and/or impossible, but they are goals. If self-isolation and/or social distancing is causing you to feel stuck, think about goals you could put in place and work towards right now, in your own home. These might be ambitious, but smaller goals are often most effective at navigating your way through a tough time. I have used such goals many times: cooking an actual meal instead of grabbing crisps, taking a shower, simply listening to music for 10 minutes, texting a friend, etc. Your goals need to fit your current situation to be helpful.
Connected to goal-setting is planning for the future. When you are able to plan, even if these plans are nebulous and unspecific, you create the sense of a future –– and there will be a future, no matter how improbable that feels, because that’s the nature of time. This too shall pass. Everything will pass. My plans range from huge, scary, life-changing possibilities to tiny, mundane ideas about what I would like to do. For example, I may plan to read a particular book when I finish my current reading material. Life feels extremely chaotic at present, so planning things to do in the immediate future can help create some structure. For instance, I plan to replace my gym classes with strength workouts at home. Planning events and activities for after the pandemic is over can give you a sense of perspective by acknowledging that this too will pass and when it does, perhaps you would like to live your life differently or achieve goals which you have put off.
Decluttering is something I have mentioned a lot in blog posts and for good reason: it creates a sense of movement by transforming your space and can sometimes change the way you live. I started making a conscious effort to declutter several years ago. Until that point, I had been a ‘more is more’ kind of person and since compulsive overspending was a massive issue at that point in my life, my home was crammed with lots of stuff. Eventually, I reached the point where I felt trapped by my stuff –– I could hardly move around my bedroom and I felt sick when I thought about how much it had cost. I started by getting rid of things I no longer used, including the desk at which I had studied throughout my Film Studies degree but never used for writing and box files of old magazines I rarely unboxed. Decluttering can be confronting, especially after several cycles, but it has left me with more physical space and headspace. I’m probably never going to be a minimalist, but most of my possessions are now things I use and/or like and I’m more mindful in my spending. It’s hard to describe, but decluttering helps me feel more free.
Reassess your priorities
Extreme situations tend to make us reevaluate our lives, whether it’s a personal crisis, bereavement or a pandemic. A lesson I have learnt over and over again, especially in the past few years, is that health must be my top priority. Our health (physical and mental, which are inextricably combined anyway) affects everything else in our lives. After spending a week feeling crap because of pandemic anxieties and having a virus myself (no idea if it is COVID-19, but I had a new cough so I’m following the NHS/government guidelines), I’m trying to establish/reestablish some healthy habits –– especially eating more healthily and getting back into an exercise routine. I have also been trying to get into the habit of meditating for 12 minutes a day –– I started a few weeks ago and it seemed to help, but last week’s practice was sporadic –– and I’m aiming to do more journalling, to help my mental health. If this pandemic teaches us anything as a society, please let it be to take more responsibility for our health, individually and collectively, and support each other.
Being worried about family and friends has demonstrated that I’m not an antisocial misanthrope, despite sometimes feeling like one. I care about people. I suppose this is something I already knew, but it reaffirms the priority and when this is over, I would like to do more with my friends. I have often shied away from socialising because my only dependable income is £95 a week in benefits, thanks to my ability to work being impaired by mental illness, and I owe my parents a lot of money. However, now I’m thinking I should have taken more of those opportunities to go out and socialise.
I have also been reminded of how important my Psychology degree is to me, because learning that my exam has been cancelled and not having been informed (yet) about the alternative assessment being put in place has caused a lot of stress. The exam is one of the requirements for the degree being BPS (British Psychological Society) accredited and while it has been pointed out that all universities are in the same position, nobody has actually stated that the BPS accreditation will not be affected. I don’t want to say too much, but I’m considering a career path which involves needing a BPS accredited degree to move on to the next step, so it’s hard not to catastrophise and imagine all my plans going down the drain. I know that’s unlikely to happen and there will be a way to figure out a solution, but anxiety isn’t logical.
Similarly, despite having issues with my writing mojo over the past year, writing (particularly fiction) is still one of my priorities. Interwoven with this is my love of reading, which is providing some distraction and a little inspiration. If I were to die soon, I would regret not having completed a novel I’m truly proud of, regardless of whether it’s published. Other regrets which I hope to guide me in future include wasting too much time on people who take far more than they give back, not standing up for myself more, spending money on things which gave me relatively little pleasure and not travelling more. Think about what you are missing right now and what you are most worried about –– are these concerns reflected in the way you usually live your life?
Kindness is vital during difficult times and we need to prioritise being kind to both ourselves and others. Do what you can –– don’t beat yourself up because so-and-so on social media is coping so well and you’re a hot mess. We all have different experiences and resources, so we cope in different ways. Anxiety tends to fluctuate, so most of us have both wobbly moments and moments when we excel at coping and can support and empower others. Try not to compare yourself to others (I’m a massive hypocrite on this point!), because it’s not a competition.
Help others if you can, but don’t feel bad if you are struggling to keep it together and it takes all your effort to keep going through the day. As wonderful as it is to see people doing grand things to support others, sometimes a small gesture can make a big difference. Text a friend to remind them they are awesome. Spend a few minutes dancing to your favourite happy song. Share a helpful website link on social media. Try to be a positive force in the world, but remember that when you are struggling there’s no shame in giving yourself a break.
The bottom line: if you can do nothing else, the essential thing you need to do to be kind to everyone, including yourself and your family, is to adhere to the current government guidelines on self-isolation and social distancing. Even if you do nothing more, that’s enough.